The real reason you're not reaching your potential (and it's not what you think)
Most people think they’re not reaching their potential because they need more confidence.
Or maybe more discipline, more knowledge or a better plan.
But after having lunch with 500 strangers, I’ve come to a different conclusion.
The reason so many capable people fall short of their potential is not because they lack intelligence, talent or ambition. It’s because they hesitate.
Professionals know the potential upside of calling a prospect, saying hello to someone at an event or volunteering to lead a project at work. But they also fear the consequences of making a mistake. So they hesitate … and then take the safe option of not proceeding.
Each moment of hesitation is unremarkable on its own. But when combined with thousands of others over the years, they quietly shape the direction of their lives.
That’s because opportunities are deeply social.
A career opportunity often starts with a conversation. A friendship begins with someone making contact. A business grows because someone reached out. A life changes because somebody decided to act.
But hesitation interrupts action.
Social courage changes the equation
That’s where social courage comes in.
Social courage is the willingness to act in social and professional situations before you feel ready.
It’s asking questions, starting conversations and pursuing opportunities – even when it feels uncomfortable.
That willingness to act despite discomfort matters more than people realise.
Confidence follows action
Confident people tend to be more willing to act than the average person, which is why confidence appears so powerful from the outside.
But what’s often missed is that confidence is a learned skill.
Most confident people were once unsure of themselves. What changed was that they showed social courage and took action anyway.
Once they saw that they were capable of more than they’d realised, they grew in confidence.
Confidence follows action – and action begins with social courage.
The experiences that changed my thinking
I learned this through two experiences that changed my life.
The first was my decision to have lunch with 500 strangers.
A few years ago, I realised I was playing life too safely. I avoided uncomfortable social situations and often held myself back in moments where I could have taken action.
So I decided to do something that would force me to change.
Over the next six years, I reached out to thousands of people I had never met and invited them to lunch. Most didn’t reply. Some said no. But eventually, 500 said yes.
The second experience happened around the same time.
I’d recently started a business, and to grow it, I decided to cold-call potential clients.
I was terrible at it.
I had almost no experience with cold calling and was petrified by the thought of phoning strangers. But with each call, I became slightly less anxious and slightly more skilled.
Neither of those experiences began with confidence. They began with discomfort.
But over time, something interesting happened. The repeated action started changing me.
The discomfort gradually shrank. Conversations became easier. Rejection became less intimidating. Taking initiative started to feel more natural.
Not because I sat around thinking differently – but because repeated action changed my behaviour.
That’s the part people often miss.
The biggest changes in our lives rarely come from one giant breakthrough moment.
More often, they come from hundreds of smaller moments where we choose action over avoidance.
The people who create opportunities
One thing I noticed during my 500 lunches project was that the people who created the most opportunities in their lives were not necessarily the most charismatic or confident people.
They were simply more willing to act.
They were willing to ask questions, make introductions and nurture relationships, even when it felt unnatural.
In other words, they consistently demonstrated social courage.
That observation completely changed the way I think about potential.
Most people treat potential like something hidden inside them – something they either possess or don’t.
I don’t think that’s true. I think potential is built behaviourally.
It grows every time we act despite discomfort, accept uncertainty and take social risks. Because every one of those actions expands our world slightly.
More relationships. More visibility. More opportunities. More momentum.
And over time, those things compound.
The Courage Gap
That’s why I think one of the most important gaps in life is what I call the Courage Gap.
The Courage Gap is the gap between what you know you should do … and what you actually do.
You know you should send the message. You know you should approach that person at the event. You know you should suggest the idea during the meeting. But you hesitate.
And when those moments repeat over months and years, they shape your future.
That’s why social courage matters.
Social courage doesn’t magically eliminate discomfort. Rather, it stops discomfort from making your decisions for you.
Most people are capable of more.
The question is whether they are willing to act before they feel ready.
