Social courage explained – and why it matters more than confidence
Most people think confidence comes first.
They think confident people are naturally better at networking, communication, leadership and relationships. They assume confident people take more action because they feel more ready, more capable and more comfortable.
But after having lunch with 500 strangers, I’ve come to a different conclusion.
Confidence is not the advantage most people think it is.
Not because confidence is useless – it obviously helps. But because most people misunderstand where confidence actually comes from.
They think confidence leads to action. In reality, action usually leads to confidence.
That’s where social courage comes in.
What is social courage?
Social courage is the willingness to act in social and professional situations before you feel ready. It’s:
- Starting the conversation
- Sending the message
- Introducing yourself
- Speaking up in a meeting
- Asking the question
- Following up
- Putting yourself out there
Even when it feels slightly uncomfortable.
And that last part matters.
When people hear the word “courage”, they often imagine something dramatic or heroic. But social courage usually appears in much smaller moments than that.
It’s the moment before you walk up to someone at an event. The moment before you hit send on an email. The moment before you contribute an idea in a meeting. The moment before you make a phone call you’ve been avoiding.
Those moments seem small. But they quietly shape our careers, relationships and opportunities.
Why confidence is the wrong starting point
One of the biggest mistakes people make is waiting until they feel confident before they act.
But confidence is unreliable.
If you wait until you feel completely ready, you may wait forever.
I learned this during my 500 lunches project.
When I first started inviting strangers to lunch, I wasn’t confident. I overthought messages. I worried about rejection. I felt awkward reaching out to people I didn’t know and uncertain during the lunches themselves.
To take another example, I started a business around the same time I started my 500 lunches. In order to grow the business, I decided to cold-call literally thousands of potential clients.
I wasn’t confident. I had almost no experience with cold calling and was petrified by the thought of phoning all those people.
After my first week – during which I made 50 calls – I felt so overwhelmed by the accumulated anxiety that it took me four months to continue.
Confidence follows action – and action begins with social courage. If I’d waited until I felt fully confident, I wouldn’t have had any lunches or made any cold calls.
Instead, I acted while uncomfortable. And over time, something interesting happened.
The discomfort started shrinking – with both the lunches and cold calls.
Not because I sat around thinking differently, but because repeated action changed me.
That’s the part people often miss. Confidence is usually the result of action, not the prerequisite for it.
The people who create opportunities
One thing I noticed during my lunches was that the people who created opportunities in their lives were not necessarily the most charismatic or naturally confident people.
They were simply more willing to act.
They reached out. They followed up. They introduced themselves. They asked questions. They stayed in touch.
In other words, they consistently demonstrated social courage.
That matters because modern life rewards visibility, initiative and relationships.
Opportunities rarely arrive through passive waiting. They usually emerge through interaction.
A conversation leads to an introduction. An introduction leads to a relationship. A relationship leads to an opportunity.
But none of that happens if hesitation wins.
Why social courage matters more than ever
Social courage has always mattered. But I think it matters even more now.
We live in a world where many people are becoming less socially confident, not more.
More communication is happening through screens. More people are working remotely. More interactions are becoming transactional and automated.
At the same time, AI is changing the workplace rapidly.
That means genuinely human qualities are becoming more valuable, not less.
Relationships, trust, curiosity, communication and emotional intelligence all depend on one thing: engaging socially. That’s why social courage matters – because social courage is what allows people to actually use those skills in the real world.
A simpler way to think about growth
People often think growth comes from learning more.
Sometimes it does. But often, growth comes from hesitating less.
You start the conversation, send the message, follow up, speak up. Not when you feel confident, but before you feel ready. And not once, but repeatedly.
That’s what changed my life during the 500 lunches project.
Not one big moment. Not one breakthrough conversation. Just hundreds of small moments where I chose action over avoidance.
And over time, those moments changed my confidence, relationships, opportunities – and the direction of my life.
That’s the real power of social courage.
Not that it removes discomfort. But that it stops discomfort from deciding your future.
